Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When You Hit a Wall and Want To Run

I don't understand you
I try to wrap my head around you
Who you are
What you are

Your love
Not dependent on me, what I do or say or better yet what I don't
My performance isn't needed for your love to be

I picture you way up high in the sky
sitting on a big throne, shining
laughing, smiling

I also have this picture of you
frustrated, impatient, and somewhat angry
wondering when I'm going to get it.
That the love I tell others about applies to me as well
That I'm not an exception
when will I just accept it for what it is-a free undeserved gift

You tell me You are patient
the rest I need
all that I need

But I hate being needy...anxious
I hate waiting for you to show me what's next
No clear path
Destined to wander and wonder?

You feel so far away
Do I not believe enough?
Love you enough?
I wonder

When will you finally decide to leave me where I'm at?
Tired of trying to convince me
that your love is enough
That, in you, I am enough

This life is hard..this Christian life is harder
I get so tired of trying
I don't think I'm doing it right

Joy is not mine lately
It's not my kids either
They fight
I try to teach them the way they should go, but they resist

I want to be a godly mother without shoving you down their throats, but maybe I'm wrong
They could use a little godly swallowing

The only thing I get is that life's a process
It's to learn
to grow

I push and pull between freedom and law.
I want them both
I like rules, and knowing what is expected of me
but I also like freedom.
How do you have them both?

I believe
but I struggle with my faith

I'm still reading Grace for the Good Girl, and for the first time I've hit a wall. This is God working, I know, but man is it hard.

When you are being peeled away you start seeing the ugly parts of you revealed. The parts you didn't want to acknowledge existed. Should good Christian girls ask such things?

Asking questions is good, and God doesn't mind (I think). I like to believe He wants to answer, and wants us to know

Why we believe what we believe. Really believe.
John 15:1,2 " I am the vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off very branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will become more fruitful." 

And not only is it this book, but everything else seems hard. The kids have been exceptionally unbearable, I've been snap happy and not in the finger snapping kind of way.It's one of those times when God seems distant and you really don't need him to be. You need him to show up..now! To tell you what to do and just take over your mouth and mind, preferably before you run off to some secluded island and am only responsible for me, myself, and I.

I've been in funk as you can tell, lots of unspoken questions that I never would have written anywhere else but in my journal, but in an effort to finally be mask free, here they are. Before, fear of what you would think of me would have kept these thoughts safely tucked away. This is me trying to be mask free, trying to keep the way I am perceived online kept with who I am in real life.

God Bless Friends!

linked at:: Soli Deo Gloria, A Pause On The Path, God Bumps & God Incidences, Imperfect Prose, Women Living Well Wednesday, Word Filled Wed, Write It Girl


  1. WOW!!! AH-MAZING post!!! Left me speechless. Thank you for sharing :)


    1. Thank you!! That means a lot I almost hit delete several times after I posted it. Its hard being vulnerable but that is what i'm feeling led to do....trusting God for the outcome.I feel better:)

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks Lyli! Not sure if I really meant for it to be a poem, just a mind full of ramblings :)

  3. What a powerful and honest post. Thank you and bless you as you experience this refining fire experience. The joy will be when you are through it the hotter the fire the finer the outcome. It is so hard to accept this fact...we live disciplined lives, loving Our Father and sometimes it all seems to be just too hard, and to understand this is very difficult. Stay strong in your faith, strong in Your God, and on your knees. I encourage you. God bless.

  4. I love your honest heart...and I think that is all God really wants...for us to open the shades...to let the light in...not to fear His Love...He stands at the door and knocks...He is patient...He doesn’t knock the door over...He waits... He longs for us to invite Him in...in to all of it...the good the bad and the ugly. I don’t think these things make His heart sad...but not inviting Him into these things breaks His heart...because He has come to redeem...and set us free. Yes...abide in the Vine...in His LOve...and He will win your heart to His loving ways....blessings to you~

  5. you're singing the song of the ages, braveheart,
    and it's beautiful and strong and full of true
    even in it's messy pain
    and I'm touched deep with honor and thanks
    that you shared it out into the open
    where other hearts
    like mine
    can hear and heal.
    thanks for stirring the yes in me,

  6. Yes, good Christian girls should ask such things! Because it is where you struggle and God wants us to bring all of our struggles to Him. I hope that you don't feel weird or weak or something because you feel this way, Alecia. You're struggling in the way Jacob wrestled with God--so it's a good kind of fight. You're getting stronger and we are all glad for the truth you lay bear. It encourages us in the fight as well!

  7. thanks for baring your heart on the page here for the rest of us. i agree with beth....we SHOULD ask such questions. and sharing your struggles helps the rest of us feel that we're not alone. thanks!

  8. yep, feeling those same things and ready to read that book. Thanks for your honesty because life is hard sometimes. I'm glad to read your thoughts! Be encour
    aged, you're not alone.

  9. Wow. What a relevant post to read. Thank you for sharing and thank you so much for commenting on my page.

    Stacey :)

  10. Oh, I know that feeling, that being a mom to sons who rail for independence and rail at each other learning how to be a man when they're just still boys. It is the repetition that gets through - kind of like the blacksmith repeatedly banging in the fire to shape - and it's not comfortable but it is so what they need. I am learning - bloom time is a journey, a not-giving-up journey. You will pull yourself out of this funk - because, like you mention in your poem God's unconditional love - you want to love them like that!

  11. God is so good! Look at what all He has done, what all He has brought you through... Wonderful!

  12. nice...i love your honesty in this...i struggle as well with feeling god far away some days and others so close...and i know i play into that equation a lot....and raising kids...boys...hard stuff....testing and teaching me so much....

  13. Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging comments, they really blessed my heart beyond words!!

  14. You are talking reality. Been walking through much of the same with kids and grandkids, wanting the seed that has been planted in their hearts to explode in huge amounts of godly fruit. However, all I can do is live my life, love my Lord, and trust Him. And drop in more seed as He opens the door. Struggle with their choices? YES!! Trust Him to keep the seed alive and sprouting? Another YES!! He's all we have forever and ever.

    1. Thank you for the kind encouragement Caryjo! Waiting with you for those seeds to explode :)

  15. I'm glad you didn't delete. :) Carry on brave one ... the funk is just the enemy's attempt to ambush your freedom. Run your race. <3

    1. Me too, I think everyone once in a while it's good to write something that your scared to put out there. It's my way of letting the devil know I'm on to him and he's not getting away with it! Thanks!

  16. I'm also glad you didn't delete! What a great honest post. I loved that book 'Grace for the good girl' it made me more conscious of who I am in Christ and more open to what God has for this imperfect person (me) :)
    I think God loves questions from us, it means we want to know more of Him. I love this quote:

    "It is through the more difficult trails that God often brings the sweetest discoveries of Himself." (from 'Streams in the Desert' devotional)

    God bless

    1. Really like that quote as well, and I think it's probably very true. Thank you for sharing it with me!

  17. Yes, Christian girls definitely can ask these kinds of questions. I think it's important. I love the Church, but too often, the Church gets frustrated if we who are saved don't "fix." Truth is, even though we carry the Spirit within us, we are still these clay pots. We are fragile. We are human. We are sinners. Daily remembering this draws me closer to the cross, remembering that God never knew that we could do this in our own strength. That's why His Son took it all upon His shoulders.

    Alecia ... praying for you now. For strength. For God's leading as you parent. For God's presence all around you. You're a beautiful soul ... xoxo

  18. Thank you Jennifer, your words mean a lot. I think that is the thing I'm starting to get, is that no matter what sin I am dealing with it's ok, bc God knows, and he knows that I will never be perfect while here on earth. Trusting in him daily to help make me strong when I'm weak, trusting in His power to carry me and not getting down on myself for not having all my sins whipped is eye opening.

  19. girl, i feel your ache today. i am in a funk too. i pray we will grasp the love Jesus has for us and be able to hold on and pulled out of this sadness. love you friend. you are not alone.


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