Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What's Defining Your Worth?

Deuteronomy 2:3 "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn North." {nasb}

As I am finishing up 60 days of the craziest workout I've ever done, Insanity. I'm wondering what are my real reasons for putting myself through such joint suffering, I think I'm gonna die pain? And did I mention I developed Turf Toe?? Constantly sore abs, thighs, and calf's?

Is it too look good? Feel good? To be skinny? To beat the battle of the bulge once and for all?
For as long as I can remember how I looked, {or how much I weighed} is how I often thought people used to determine if I was a person worth getting to know. We all look at the outward appearances of people and without meaning to make assumptions and judgments...good or bad.

For me I thought if I had put on weight then, of course other people noticed, how could they not? They were probably thinking wow, she's really packed it on. Or my gosh did you see how BIG her butt is now? :)

I've thought things like, your not good enough unless your _____ size.  I've felt uncomfortable in my own skin and I really believed that people liked me based on whether or not I was fat or skinny!

I've let my weight define my personal worth, and that's crazy!

I came across Made to Crave on Lysa Terkeurst's website last year, and it spoke straight  to me. I'm not saying that everyone that is overweight has a spiritual issue, you may just need to move more, or cut back.

You may not connect food and your emotions at all. But I do. Big time! And then when I started to see those issues reflecting into own my kids eating habits and their own weight, then for me it was time to get to the core of my problem.

Food was my pacifier. I turned to it when things got hard. Chocolate gives me that momentary awww of comfort. It satisfies, but only for a moment, then you need another piece and another piece until you've gone through the whole bag and the only thing you are left with is a hurting tummy and guilt over what you just did. So, of course you hide the evidence, so that way no one else knows and they can't shame you either.  Plus, if no one sees you eating that candy  bag bar, it doesn't really count, does it? :) Self -Control, oh how I lack thee.

I know, I know, it was bad.

Her book isn't a weight loss book, it's a book about her own journey to lose weight and her connection she made between eating too many Chef Boyardi pizzas and not trusting God when things got wonky. For me, that connection made sense. Too often I try to handle things on my own, and it never works.

Instead of turning to prayer and scripture to soothe my stressed out soul I was turning to chocolate and pizza. These help momentarily but they aren't permanent fixes. God is. I started to realize how much of my worth was tied up into how much I weighed. That God loves me regardless of how much I weigh, but that He doesn't want to see me dependent on anything else but Him either. He made me for more than to do battle with food!

In 2Cor 12:9-10 we are told to turn to Him when we are weak and weary and He will give us strength. That when we are weak He will be strong for us. Not a piece of chocolate or a bag of Doritos.
To cast all of our fears and anxiety on Him, not on cookie dough.

I didn't realize how much of an emotional eater I was until these last couple of years. Chocolate when I'm sad or stressed, something salty AND chocolaty when I'm stressed or anxious or pmsing. Something sweet after every meal? yes please! And the pants grew bigger. And I wondered why. The extra weight made me uncomfortable and made me want to hide out instead of enjoying life.


This book has shown me that I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting this battle. I want to defeat it once and for all. I want to leave a healthy legacy to my kids along with a rich spiritual one.
In Exodus 16:2-4 the Israelites made food their god, they grumbled against God and eventually they spent 40 years wandering in a desert. Ouch. Lord, help me if I spend the next 40 years doing battle with this.

Some Lies I believed
I used to buy into the lie that if I took time to work out then I was taking away from time with the kids and I would feel guilty through the whole thing. But you know what, there is NO condemnation and guilt for those that call themselves Christ's children.

I used to also buy into the lie that those who worked out and watched everything they ate were being vain and not living life. When really I was the one not living, because I was being held captive by food and was uncomfortable in my own skin.  A brownie was becoming more important than peace about how I felt about how I looked.

And yet there is still one more lie and excuse I bought into, I'm married! It doesn't matter anymore. oohhh, that's a bad one. Cause ask any man, well your man, what he thinks about this. I'm sure he'll be nice about it and say "Oh, it doesn't matter what you look like, I still love you" and this is probably true, but come on, men are visual beings. It makes them proud when we look good and feel good about ourselves. We stand a little taller, and so do they :)

So all of this to say that, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and this is a good thing, in body and mind. For me it's been a spiritual journey as much as it's been a physical one. I've stumbled along the way, and had a few do-overs, but God is faithful to meet me where I'm at and let me try again. And you know what, each time I feel myself growing more and more in His strength. When faced with a healthy option or a melt in your mouth, but I'll make you do a thousand squats to work me off food choice, I'm getting better at choosing the healthy choice.

I'll take it one choice, one day at a time. And give myself grace when I do mess up. And look to God to define me not the scale.

I've decided to take a couple days to give my body a break from all the pounding and then start over. Yep, can't believe I am, but I am. I going to keep going and probably won't stop, at least the working out part, doing Insanity over and over doesn't appeal to me much. I think eventually my body would do an all out revolt.

What about you friend? Do you have a different battle that is defining you, maybe yours isn't with food, but something else, like tobacco, alcohol, relationships, money, clothes, even our kids.  Is there something that has taken the number one spot in your life besides God?

I have circled this mountain long enough, it's time to put a fork in it. How about you?

Linking up with::  Women Living Well Wed, Imperfect Prose, Word Filled Wed, God Bumps & God Incidences, Beautiful Thursdays, Hearts 4Home Thurs, Thought Provoking Thursday, Proverbs 31 Thurs, Life in Bloom, Faith Filled Fridays


  1. i understand this journey and everything you have written today...i have been reading Made to Crave as well and it speaks straight to my heart. you are not alone in this journey, friend!

    1. Thanks Kerri, it's nice knowing your not the only one :)

  2. Wow, I totally understand sweety. Praying for you.

  3. Great post- what confidence to share this. It is obvious that He has given you strength. You are blessed.

    1. Thank you Marissa. One day at a time, as long as I keep my focus small, I'm OK :)

  4. i recently started exercising, too. old habits die hard...but new ones can be truly redemptive and healing. blessings as you take your next steps:)

  5. i hear you in this...i def think there is nothing wrong with taking care of what we have been given...as with all things you just have to watch that it does not consume you...

  6. My forks still stuck in it. Still plowing the road... Things are good :)

  7. Alecia ... That first picture is priceless. We need to put that on scales, well before our girls become teenagers. Just perfect, I tell you. Thank you for sharing.

    Oh, and I loved Made to Crave.

    1. Yeah, I think I need to take that picture and blow it up and frame it for the bathroom :) For her and me!

  8. I talked around this issue a little, too. It's definitely a balancing act. I've been trying out an exercise program that is tough, and on some days I've asked myself the same questions. Why am I doing this? There are good reasons to stay fit, but I agree we shouldn't define ourselves by a number. That will never bring satisfaction.

    1. Remembering why we do it, not for vanity reasons, but to be the healthiest versions of ourselves that we can be, to be able to run the race that God has before us.

  9. Blessings to you, Alecia! I am struggling through the same things right now, and I normally don't leave a link in a comment, but last week I wrote a post about how for me, weightloss is very much a spiritual battle: http://www.servingjoyfully.com/2012/05/09/finish-the-race/

    I, too, am making lots of good progress, although I have a long road ahead of me to getting healthy. I'm glad I found your blog :)

    1. Thanks Crystal, I can't wait to read it! For me too it's a spiritual thing that I've had to give over to God, it's not easy, that's for sure.

  10. Reading the side effect from the last prescription I was give made me want to scream--"causes increased desire for chocolate." Really? My desire is healthy--it doesn't need increased.

    Seriously, this is a great post and certainly rang true in my heart. One of my lies has been, "the medicine causes weight gain so it's not my fault." I've been working on doing all I can to be a healthy weight whether it shows or not.


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