Monday, October 31, 2011

Mama Bear in the Morning

It happens more than I'd like to admit. I lose it. Especially in the morning. It doesn't matter that I alone can't get anywhere on time, but then add in 2 procrastinating (I wonder where they get that from), half asleep kids and well let's just say my motto "better late than never" gets used so often it's embarrassing.

I don't know how it happens, but I wake up everyday, with one thing on my mind get the kids to school on time! I think if I were more organized, more with it, this wouldn't happen. But I don't know. I swear I'm not gonna lose my cool. I pray for patience and grace and for Him to just take away my yelling voice :). They ask "Why are you so mad?" and then I feel bad. They don't get it. I don't blame them. But how do you light a fire under two rump roast's that are completely indifferent to a thing called time and the fact that they have to be at school by a certain time and not a minute later...homeschool? :)

There has to be a better way. I'm open for suggestions!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Not Yet God

Have you ever in a time in your life acknowledged that there was a God and that His ways are not your ways?  I mean was there ever something that you really wanted to do, people that you really wanted to be friends with , a boy or girl you really wanted to date and you would do just about anything to do it. Ignoring that little voice in your head. Saying don't do it, not this way, wait your time will come.

Well I have. Never more than when I was in high school and college. I wanted to fit in I needed to fit in. You see, I had grown up in Florida and the summer before my junior year in high school we moved! Talk about being insecure. I needed to find my place there, not that I had really found my place in Florida, but here I needed to find it, it was a fresh start, time to come out of my shy little shell. So I went out with boys I shouldn't have, just to not be alone. I hung out with friends that maybe I shouldn't have. I drank, gave myself away physically all to be accepted by those around me.

I was hoping God understood what I was doing. I felt God calling me but I kept telling him not now, right now I'm going to live my life MY WAY. You can use me later, when I'm older, just not now. I didn't want to be rejected by the people around me, who does? No one wants to be considered a goodie two shoes at that age. I didn't want to look back on my life and have regrets of not living life to the fullest when I was young. I wanted to party it up and have a bunch of fun stories to tell later in life. (side note: I use the term "party" loosely, I was pretty mild compared to others)

But man, did I have it wrong. I know now that if I would have listened to that voice telling me "don't go down this road," "this isn't right," "It will only bring you heartache," "Trust me". I wouldn't have so many regrets now.While I was overall considered a nice, good girl, I didn't feel that way.  I didn't trust God's best for me because I though His ways would mean that I would be alone. Besides everyone else was doing it, right? 

Fastforward 10 years after graduating from college, getting married and two kids, I see that God can use those times for His good. After having my daughter, I recommited my life to Christ. She is stronger-willed than me so I pray she never buys into the lies like I did. I want more for her. So one day I said ok God, I'm tired of doing things my way and I'm going to start doing things your WAY. 

I've come a long way from the person I used to be and I know God's not done yet :), he still has a lot more work to do. But I try make sure that I tell my kids everyday about God's best for them and encourage them to have their own relationship with Him. I hope that they know they don't ever sell out to this world to try and be accepted and loved, bc the God of the universe accepts them and loves them more than anyone in this world, including me, ever could.  I just wish I could've figured that out sooner.

 My prayer for them is that they won't ever find themselves saying "Not yet God". But embrace and always walk with Him!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Am I Enough?

Some days I think I'm doing a great job. Everything is going great, kids are getting along, staying busy, husband seems content. But other days, more days than I like to admit, I feel downright defeated. Not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough. I struggle to find my worth. Lies. I've believed them for so long that they have become apart of me. Who I am. I'm not sure when I started to let them define me, but without enough affirming words to counteract them that's what they ended up doing. People pleasing, though I hate to think of myself like that, that's what I am. I've always made up excuses for it, tried to sympathize with other people's feelings, but to an extent of getting lost myself. If that makes any sense. Always worrying what other people are thinking or saying about me. And getting so overwhelmed with it, that I end up just retreating. Withdrawing from the ones that God put into my life. Scared of what they think and their judgements. Scared that they will confirm what I think about myself already.

I'm reading this book called "A Confident Heart" and I have realized these thoughts aka lies, are straight from satan himself. Boy has he had a field day with my emotions. I am trying to focus on what God says about me, like "I am beautifully and wonderfully made" Ps 139:14 and that I can take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2Cor10:5). Bc God's word is the truth, he cannot lie. If it doesn't hold up to what God says about me then it is a lie!!

~sigh~ truth, real truth about who I am and who God says I am. Now that's something to dwell on.


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