Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Excuse Me, My Under Belly Is Showing (and why I'm a Christian)



Warning- this post contains lots of over-shares, continue at your own risk. You've been warned :) )
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Can I be honest? I get a little afraid when someone finds out I'm a Christian or a blogger/writer ('cause isn't everyone?!)

Seriously, I feel like there's this expectation of good that people expect from me when they find these things out. And it makes them weird around me. Like they are afraid they will say the wrong thing and I will judge.

Puhleeze.



I am awkward, shy, and will usually say the wrong thing at the PRECISE wrong time.

I'm no goody goody with life and Christ all figured out. I'm just trying to figure out how to get the laundry washed,dried, and put away in one day (it might usually get drug out to two or three days, I like to say they weren't dry enough and set them for another spin ;))

My kids don't always mind and they can get on my nerves when they walk in when I'm watching my show and start talking...or worse start watching!

I've been known to have a drink or two, on occasion. I can be crude (sometimes).

Well put together people (or those with A-type personalities aka, very organized with endless energy to get the job done) make me nervous and itchy. I'm more of a go with the flow, don't over plan because there needs to be nap time scheduled somewhere in the day. 

I laugh when I shouldn't and yes, sometimes snort, which I know my husband thinks is very sexy ;)

I'm not very good or exceptionally smart at a lot of things, this is why I write. It's what I do. I'm what 'they' would call a creative.

I don't know if I'll ever make any money from it, and that's ok. Because I believe when you find something you love and are semi-good at it you keep on doing it regardless of the money it brings in (ever hear of the term starving artist? Yep that's me without the starving part)

One of my many weaknesses is I'm a people pleaser, I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but still, if I know I'm disappointing someone it hurts my heart.

I've been known to hold a grudge and not forgive, but now I know these things only hurt me more than the other person. So I let it go. I don't want to grow old AND bitter. 

God's been growing my faith and love for Him because I asked Him too. One day I realized I had heard my entire life how much Jesus loves me, but did I feel the same way about Him? I wanted to. I wanted to know and love Him the way I saw others do. I wanted a passion that life couldn't douse. 

And wouldn't you know? He did.

He started getting real personal with me. Answering prayers that only I knew I had prayed about. He bent down real low, (even lower than normal 'cause I'm short) and whispered, "I love you, just as you are. You are special to me." I've only ever wanted just a glimpse of how much He loves me. I know that loves changes a person. It makes you want to be better than you've ever been. Do more, be more. 

My heart hurts for those which are hurting. For the weirdos and "less-than's" of the world, because it's how I've felt most of my life. I want to cup their chins in my hand, look deep into their eyes and tell them this, "You are more, and if you'll let God will prove it to you, He will. Don't you dare for one minute believe the lies of others. Just because they have believed what others have told them, you don't have to. Stand out, be you. And be brave!"

Early in my walk I teetered on a legalistic view point, because I wanted so much to show God how good I was and how much I had indeed changed. And I wanted everyone else to see it too, look how perfect I am. But I wasn't.  I was nothing more than a polished up cup, trying desperately to earn my faith.

But, oh, how it can't be earned. And it took me a while to fully grasp this.

I am a Christian, still me, but a better version of me. Grace is some thing freely given with no strings attached, the way presents should be given. People still hurt me and I get angry, things don't always go my way.

I know that not in my will or might will I get anything done. God is my rock and my fortress when life threatens to take me down.

I hope that those I meet are able to see the light in my eyes and know there is something different about me and want to know more. I hope they feel relaxed enough to drop their guard and know I will not judge them. 

I know how very needy I am. That's why I need Jesus, every day more and more. It's the reason I wake up and open my Bible. It's not to brag or look holy, it's because I desperately need Him before I start my day. I need His peace that surpasses all understanding to wash over me, His perspective, and His patience to better deal with my people and whatever the day plans to throw at me.

I am a Christian because I tried life on my own terms before and it only led to ugliness and many bad decisions. I was angry and didn't know why. I tried hard to make life work out the way I wanted and only ended up frustrated and hurt from disappointments.

I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I will walk the road to sanctification as long as I have breath.

What is your why?






Staying needy,
Alecia

11 comments :

  1. Alecia ... wow. You've packed truth and beauty and being real into every sentence. So much to savor here today. Maybe because I see so much of myself in the same mirror ...

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  2. Alecia, I love your honesty, humor and self-deprecating manner. I, too, can relate to your comments. (Not the disorganized or laid-back aspects, but the feelings that I should be a certain way.) I should be more relaxed for sure, but my personality is often not as pious as it should be, or as I feel it should be. I get it!

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  3. Hey Hally! I'm thankful for the organized people in my life. We balance each other out well :). My husband is type A and He needs me to help him relax and laugh at himself more often, otherwise it would be all business all the time, lol! And I need him to help stay focused and on task.
    Thanks for walking the journey with me!

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  4. I'm glad you could relate. To be honest I was a little unsure to hit publish on this one. Sometimes being real it's scary, there's always that fear of rejection and backlash. Having friends that come along and say, "me too" makes it less scary. Thank you, Linda!

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  5. Love this, Alecia! I love your authenticity! You have the biggest and purest heart... not to be confused with me putting you on a pedestal-I'm not! I adore you! Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart :) xo

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  6. Thank you sweet friend. And thank you for not thinking better of me than you should. Pedestals are good for falling off of, and that's it! :)

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  7. Thanks for being you, love you.

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  8. Oh wow, yes, yet again, I find myself between reading the lines my mind wandering of where my issues are and also how the Lord keeps picking me up and by His grace letting me try again. I, someday, will meet up with you!

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  9. I'm so glad you are back! I've missed you, love you!

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  10. Yes, His grace which allows us to keep trying...so thankful for it!
    I would LOVE too meet you in real life one day, who knows what the future holds? ;)

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  11. You can be YOU and we are all still being chiseled. I'm thankful for the Artist God at work in you and me.

    Freedom and grace to you, Alecia,
    Jennifer Dougan
    www.jenniferdougan.com

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