Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I Doubt Too




We had just finished reading our morning devotional. That's when she looked at me and quietly said "Sometimes I don't know if He's real, I  mean, I want to, but sometimes I just don't know."

I didn't say anything at first. She had just revealed a piece of her heart, and I wanted to stop time for just a moment. My girl holds things close to her heart and rarely speaks of questions she may have out of fear of looking dumb(now where did she get that from??).

Did I dare tell her that I've doubted too?

There have been so many days when I've struggled to see God in anything. And just plain wasn't sure anymore. I've whispered "God help me believe and Lord increase my faith" more times than I can count.

There have been days when the doubt threatened to consume me for good and left me wanting to give up Christianity. Wouldn't it be easier to be blind?

So many times I've cried out to God to reveal himself to me and make him real to my heart that I have felt like an Israelite begging for a sign.

There were some nights I remember reading them a Bible story and getting this uncomfortable feeling, and thinking did this really happen? How can I teach them, when I feel so uncertain, and so much like a hypocrite.

Well, friends, God heard my cry. And for some reason He didn't zap me with a boat load of faith like I thought He would, instead He made me walk through some long dark valley's.

In those in the valley moments when I didn't see a way out or through is when He revealed himself the most.

Take two years ago for instance right before we moved to Iowa. Our home in Alabama wouldn't sell, but April 27, 2011, tornadoes ripped through my part of town destroying everything around my little neighborhood, except my neighborhood.

All of the sudden there were a lot of  people that needed a place to live. And my house looked pretty good! We ended up renting it out to a couple that lost their home.

And last year, when tornado season rolled around, and this time didn't miss our house! All the stress of owning a home nearly 1,000 miles away that now needed work was on us. But, God, He worked it all out.

When we weren't sure what to do with same house after our renters moved out and it still wouldn't sell...do we short sale...foreclose? We couldn't afford to keep paying the mortgage forever, but yet somehow, with careful planning the money was always there month after month after month...it was God's provision through and through.

Before our recent move to Texas God did eventually make a way for that house to sell and we were able to buy a new one and settle into our new lives here. Thank you Jesus!

There were so many uncertainties the last two years that left us completely dependent on God for it all. We couldn't have worked any of it out any better had we tried.

Those moments that I thought were going to get us, and caused countless fights, those are the things that God used to seal my faith.

I know now without a shadow of a doubt, that God sees and knows what's going on, even our deadlines!  He knows when we need an answer by a certain time, because that's when He'll give you His answer, right in the nick of time :)

So, when my little girl tells me she just isn't sure. I say it's OK, we'll figure it out together.

It's hard explaining to a twelve year old, that maturity takes trials.

Like me, she will probably wrestle with doubts for awhile. But also like me, I hope she falls on the side of faith at the end of her wrestling.

16 comments :

  1. All long He knew. What a great testimony of God's teaching in the circumstances of life! He gives us enough for today doesn't he? Love this.

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  2. Whoa, what an amazing testimony. Isn't it something when the 'doubt' comes He gives us a reason to know that you know that you know that you know He is GOD!

    I just listened to a podcast of Lee Strobel's wife speaking about what it was like to live with this man who was an athiest, she saved, and the struggles she went thru with his unbelief.

    We need to trust He knows best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. very interesting, I would love to listen to that! I'll do a search and see if I can find it. I bet it was an interesting time living with him while he was on his journey.

      Delete
  3. Alecia,

    You've given your daughter a beautiful gift: a safe space to share her doubts. I struggled so much with doubts for many, many years, and simply couldn't believe that Jesus Christ rose from a tomb. It made no sense to me. But I kept my unbelief silent. It was excruciating.Your daughter is so blessed to have a safe place with you.

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  4. Alecia, I love the way you responded to your daughter's doubts. My faith is always stronger after a wrestling match. I agree with Jennifer- your daughter is blessed to have you as her mom!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Jennifer and Alicia! Most days I feel so inadequate and not up to the task. It's only with God can I do this parenting gig :)

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  5. I am in Iowa now. Have a similar bout with doubt that got work out in a crazy year I walked through with God: Floods, miscarriages, living with my sister for 4 months...and the list goes on. He sure does know how to ground us right so that we will walk in FAITH! Great testimony!!*cheers*

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  6. Alecia,

    I love those honest conversations that we can have with our teen kids, saying, yes, me too sometimes, but here's what helps me then! And yes, I agree, it's those times of looking back to see his kindness and his past care for me that inspires my trust for the newer scary times.

    What great mom-daughter talks!

    Jennifer Dougan
    www.jenniferdougan.com

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    Replies
    1. Alecia,

      Re your comment on my post "Running in My Head Like a Memory," I agree: "the war of the mind." Since all sin really is about lies, huh?

      Nice to talk with you here,
      Jennifer Dougan
      www.jenniferdougan.com

      Delete
  7. What a beautiful gift to give your daughter: the space to question and wonder and ask. May we never lose that as that is what ultimately draws us closer into the fold of God's garment.

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  8. Alecia, I have found comfort here in knowing I'm not alone in my times of doubt. But He always reveals Himself and my faith is strengthened. I love your response to your daughter... "I say it's OK, we'll figure it out together." Your daughter is blessed to have you as her mom.
    (((hugs)))

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  9. Lovely post, Alecia. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into the lovely relationship you have with your daughter and how God is working in your home. I'm glad you stopped by to visit at my blog Doorkeeper. Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
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