Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I Doubt Too
We had just finished reading our morning devotional. That's when she looked at me and quietly said "Sometimes I don't know if He's real, I mean, I want to, but sometimes I just don't know."
I didn't say anything at first. She had just revealed a piece of her heart, and I wanted to stop time for just a moment. My girl holds things close to her heart and rarely speaks of questions she may have out of fear of looking dumb(now where did she get that from??).
Did I dare tell her that I've doubted too?
There have been so many days when I've struggled to see God in anything. And just plain wasn't sure anymore. I've whispered "God help me believe and Lord increase my faith" more times than I can count.
There have been days when the doubt threatened to consume me for good and left me wanting to give up Christianity. Wouldn't it be easier to be blind?
So many times I've cried out to God to reveal himself to me and make him real to my heart that I have felt like an Israelite begging for a sign.
There were some nights I remember reading them a Bible story and getting this uncomfortable feeling, and thinking did this really happen? How can I teach them, when I feel so uncertain, and so much like a hypocrite.
Well, friends, God heard my cry. And for some reason He didn't zap me with a boat load of faith like I thought He would, instead He made me walk through some long dark valley's.
In those in the valley moments when I didn't see a way out or through is when He revealed himself the most.
Take two years ago for instance right before we moved to Iowa. Our home in Alabama wouldn't sell, but April 27, 2011, tornadoes ripped through my part of town destroying everything around my little neighborhood, except my neighborhood.
All of the sudden there were a lot of people that needed a place to live. And my house looked pretty good! We ended up renting it out to a couple that lost their home.
And last year, when tornado season rolled around, and this time didn't miss our house! All the stress of owning a home nearly 1,000 miles away that now needed work was on us. But, God, He worked it all out.
When we weren't sure what to do with same house after our renters moved out and it still wouldn't sell...do we short sale...foreclose? We couldn't afford to keep paying the mortgage forever, but yet somehow, with careful planning the money was always there month after month after month...it was God's provision through and through.
Before our recent move to Texas God did eventually make a way for that house to sell and we were able to buy a new one and settle into our new lives here. Thank you Jesus!
There were so many uncertainties the last two years that left us completely dependent on God for it all. We couldn't have worked any of it out any better had we tried.
Those moments that I thought were going to get us, and caused countless fights, those are the things that God used to seal my faith.
I know now without a shadow of a doubt, that God sees and knows what's going on, even our deadlines! He knows when we need an answer by a certain time, because that's when He'll give you His answer, right in the nick of time :)
So, when my little girl tells me she just isn't sure. I say it's OK, we'll figure it out together.
It's hard explaining to a twelve year old, that maturity takes trials.
Like me, she will probably wrestle with doubts for awhile. But also like me, I hope she falls on the side of faith at the end of her wrestling.
at 1:19 PM