I don't understand you
I try to wrap my head around you
Who you are
What you are
Not dependent on me, what I do or say or better yet what I don't
My performance isn't needed for your love to be
I picture you way up high in the sky
sitting on a big throne, shining
I also have this picture of you
frustrated, impatient, and somewhat angry
wondering when I'm going to get it.
That the love I tell others about applies to me as well
That I'm not an exception
when will I just accept it for what it is-a free undeserved gift
You tell me You are patient
the rest I need
all that I need
But I hate being needy...anxious
I hate waiting for you to show me what's next
No clear path
Destined to wander and wonder?
You feel so far away
Do I not believe enough?
Love you enough?
When will you finally decide to leave me where I'm at?
Tired of trying to convince me
that your love is enough
That, in you, I am enough
This life is hard..this Christian life is harder
I get so tired of trying
I don't think I'm doing it right
Joy is not mine lately
It's not my kids either
I try to teach them the way they should go, but they resist
I want to be a godly mother without shoving you down their throats, but maybe I'm wrong
They could use a little godly swallowing
The only thing I get is that life's a process
It's to learn
I push and pull between freedom and law.
I want them both
I like rules, and knowing what is expected of me
but I also like freedom.
How do you have them both?
but I struggle with my faith
I'm still reading Grace for the Good Girl, and for the first time I've hit a wall. This is God working, I know, but man is it hard.
When you are being peeled away you start seeing the ugly parts of you revealed. The parts you didn't want to acknowledge existed. Should good Christian girls ask such things?
Asking questions is good, and God doesn't mind (I think). I like to believe He wants to answer, and wants us to know
Why we believe what we believe. Really believe.
John 15:1,2 " I am the vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off very branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will become more fruitful."
And not only is it this book, but everything else seems hard. The kids have been exceptionally unbearable, I've been snap happy and not in the finger snapping kind of way.It's one of those times when God seems distant and you really don't need him to be. You need him to show up..now! To tell you what to do and just take over your mouth and mind, preferably before you run off to some secluded island and am only responsible for me, myself, and I.
I've been in funk as you can tell, lots of unspoken questions that I never would have written anywhere else but in my journal, but in an effort to finally be mask free, here they are. Before, fear of what you would think of me would have kept these thoughts safely tucked away. This is me trying to be mask free, trying to keep the way I am perceived online kept with who I am in real life.
God Bless Friends!
linked at:: Soli Deo Gloria, A Pause On The Path, God Bumps & God Incidences, Imperfect Prose, Women Living Well Wednesday, Word Filled Wed, Write It Girl